(Side bar: When you’ve finished reading today’s post, go read my guest post on Thoughts From Paris, and please comment, because I want him to think I’m cool!)
I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment (or, you know…the last 9 months or so…) The one in which I get a seriously fucked up hit from the weirdest search terms in the history of the world.
Now, I’ve BEEN to Google Chicago Headquarters. I know that they have a monitor that constantly displays current search terms like a sweet sweet screen saver…
I’ve gotten some pretty interesting search terms. I’ve learned a lot about the things that I post on the internet…and a lot about what people search for on the internet. I get a lot of hits for cute sloths, sloths at school, sloths at desks, and sloths in general. Because sloths are fucking awesome.
Here you go, have another sloth picture.
The BEST search term ever was this:
“Chrissy, you are so cool!”
I’m going to assume someone did that on purpose, and for that I love them. Thank you.
Here are the innocent search terms that either baffle the shit out of me or amuse me:
Top 5 Innocent Search Terms on Quirky Chrissy
what are the lowest poo points you can have weight watches
What is a poo point? I don’t know, but it sounds pretty nasty to me. I’m going to steer clear of this weight watches…
Mousercise DVD
Seven. SEVEN hits for a Mousercise DVD. For the record, this DVD doesn’t exist. But it should. Because that show was awesome. Even if I did just wake up in the morning, get dressed to “work out,” and sit on my couch to watch and not participate.
1 in 4 wins McDonald’s Monopoly my ass
Yes! I loved this one. It was only one hit, but it was the best. I got a lot of hits for McDonald’s Monopoly in September/October/November because I have a little obsession.
butt hematoma
Glad to know that I’m not the only one who has Googled this. And all because I fell down the stairs and bruised the shit out of my ass.
Brussels sprouts humour
WHAT? Two hits for this? Seriously? Brussels sprouts? Sure. Humour? Sure. Together? Let’s see shall we?
And now…the moment you’ve been waiting for. This is where it gets inappropriate, so if you’re easily offended (why are you reading my blog again?), you may want to leave it at Brussels sprouts.
The Top 10 Most Screwed Up Search Terms That Lead to Quirky Chrissy
I get a lot of disappointed people clicking through my blog looking for porn or something absurd…Here are 10 of the worst search terms ever to find my blog.
Spring Break Chrissy
At first glance, this one doesn’t seem so bad…but apparently there is a Spring Break legend, whose name is Chrissy. And she flashes her boobs a lot. Sorry to disappoint you guys…no flashing here.
Chrissy public nude
Sorry to disappoint you yet again, no nudity here. Unless you’re looking for fluffy animals without clothes. Because I couldn’t find any pictures with sloths wearing pants.
“wife’s bitch”
Because I nicknamed my ex boyfriend’s best friend, “man-wife“…Oh well. I’ve gotten like 10 hits for this one…
girls kiss pics lesbian
My very first porn search. This one will always be near and dear to my heart. Not.
nude older woj
A ban on public nudity news clip from CNN led people back to me again…but what were you people looking for?
nude twinkies
Seriously? TWO of these searches. All because I wrote a Sunday Morning News segment that included stories about Twinkies and Naked Yoga… What exactly is a “naked twinkie?”
Sunday morn slut
Is she different than the Tuesday evening slut? TWO hits for this one too…
my butt cheek
*My* butt cheek or your butt cheek? What about your butt cheek?
I’m f*cking my mom
Which is disgusting and horrible. And came the same day as the next search terms. It’s likely that these searches are terribly disappointed in what they find. The question is…WHY DO THEY CLICK THROUGH?!?!
www.f*ck my a$$ with dirty socks
Verbatim. You know…with the real words. All because of my dirty sock picture…and the fact that I say words like “fuck” and “ass” a lot, just not usually in the same sentence. These were terms that broke this camel’s back.
What the fuck?
What the fuck, people? dirty socks? In your poop shoot? GROSS. I have no words. And I always have words. But today, I have no words.
Oh and for the record, whoever searched for “by banning books things will better” is an ass hat.
26 Responses
OMG this is fantastic. All I have to say is, could be worse. Could be the clap 😉
You just keep infecting my blog with the clap. I’ll let you know when I get a hit for it. 🙂
It’ll happen. Trust in the Ash.
I’m totally going to do this with my own blog.
Sweet! I can’t wait to read it!
Honorable mention to my girl 😉
http://www.thatashgirl.com/2013/02/oh-google-analytics-you-make-me-giggle.html
So, I went through my stats just for you so I could share my horrific findings. Obviously, I’ve had a lot of visitors from my Wild Horse Sex blog post (856 people have searched for some form of wild horse sex and found my post telling them how nasty they are…).
Here are some more fun ones:
Fatty boombatty – 4
Hot mom boobs = 3 (thankyouverymuch!)
Horse schlong = 2 (ew)
A normal girl eating marshmallows = 3 (glad I could help!)
A pocketful of hypothetical ambiance = 4!! (what?!)
Sleeping cage bed for kids = 3 (um, no).
And….
“Green thing coming out of the wall” = 2 searches.
Wow, just wow.
Oh GOD, Joules! Laughing my ass off (OUT LOUD). Green things coming out of the wall! hypothetical ambiance…. OH MAN!
The horse sex post was friggin’ ridiculous.
You are amazing. That is all.
I was actually concerned for the people who had green things coming out of their wall…
Glad you liked the horse sex post, I’m thinking about reading that at one of the BlogHer events this year. =)
As long as you can say “wild horse sex” in front of a live studio audience, I say do it!
Oh I can rock that M-effer (been listening to Thrift Shop again..). Did I ever tell you I was a theater minor in college? Yeah, getting up in front of a crowd and making them laugh is like a theater-gasm…
OMG just read the horse sex blog. That is too funny.
Awwwwwwwwwesome. I can’t wait to see this happen.
I’m clueless about finding the search terms as I’m still floundering my way through the learning process. It’s a steep curve…
You’ll get there! It’s all in the “stats.” (Oh! And make sure when you type out your blog address you use two slashes (http://www.thesouthernunbelle.com) instead of just one (http:/))
Hun if you’re using Blogger here’s how you find them. Log into Blogger, and on that sidebar you should see something that says Stats. Click and then look for Audience. You’ll see how people find your stuff from links, referral websites and searches.
Let me know if you need more help!!
Look at my little community of happy! 🙂
Group Hug!!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 😀
The creepiest one I had was “do my daughter before you do me.” I have no idea what the people were looking for and no idea why they came to my blog. Squeamish! Also, I often will have 2-3 hits from the same strange search terms in a day. Weird!
That is bizarre!
My second most popular search term to find my blog is “how much is an eye worth?” I wrote a post with this title long ago, but I’m wondering who is searching for this information. Have they lost an eye? Are they looking to buy an eye? Do they want to sell an eye on the black market?
You’re selling your eye? 😉 How much IS it worth?
Boo, I don’t have anything fun besides “gay midget.” I want more keyword search terms related to diseases, body parts, and bodily functions, dammit!
Also, Naked Twinkie could be a racial thing? (I only say this because my bff is Asian and calls herself a “twinkie”)
Haha. And you write about dating…hmmm…we should work on this.
Naked Twinkie-totally makes sense now. Except that I’ve got some REALLY disappointed clickers now.
I am just starting out and I hope to get crazy search terms!! Thanks for sharing your funny insights!
Good luck! It’s a lot of fun 🙂