I heard on the radio that the excuse most frequently used by speeders is: “I have to go to the bathroom.”

I’ve used that one…sort of. Let me give you a hint: It didn’t work. My boyfriend at the time was actually speeding so we could get to a bathroom, so I could pee…$250 (Hello, Wisconsin) and 40 minutes later, I finally got to pee. Ironically, the words I said, not 5 minutes before getting pulled over, were, “Don’t speed too much. I don’t want to be the reason you get pulled over.”

Funny, most excuses don’t work for me. My mom on the other hand seems to get speeding tickets pulled away on a silver platter.

Excuses that apparently work

My mom was pulled over on the way to the University of Chicago for her first Interferon treatment. When the police officer pulled her over, she said to him, “I’m on my way to my first chemo treatment!” and proceeded to cry. Whilst essentially true, and genuinely upset about the prospect, this excuse got her off the hook.

Many years before, mom was driving with me in the front, and my baby brother asleep under blankets in the way back of the station wagon. I’m not sure if she was pulled over for speeding or something minor, but the police officer saw me in the front without a seat belt (at 4 or 5) and asked why I wasn’t wearing a seat belt. My mom exclaimed, “I’m a terrible mother! I’m sorry officer.” The officer never noticed my brother illegally seat belt free in the far back…and I put my seat belt on. Again, mom was told to move on free and clear.

Another time, while cutting through a neighborhood near ours with a “Dead End” and “No Outlet” sign, mom was pulled over. After yelling at the police officer (AKA bitching) about how our neighborhood has cut throughs all the time and ranting that there was no fancy sign for OUR neighborhood across the street, the police officer again set my mother on without so much as a warning.

Excuses that apparently don’t work

Crying. I’ve tried it. It got me no where but yelled at.

Playing dumb: A few year ago, I was attempting to quickly get home from the grocery store while cooking dinner. I had run out to get a few things to add, and was trying to make good time. I pulled out and made an illegal right turn on right a few blocks from my house. I got dinged and the police officer asked if I knew what I had done. I told him that I didn’t, but he proceeded to ask, “How long have you lived in Glen Ellyn?”

“My whole life, officer.”

“And you didn’t know there was no turn on red there?”

“I’m not very observant.” Whoops! I was trying to come off as ignorant…but apparently came off as snotty and smart-ass. Note to self: dumb people don’t say words like observant in the proper context.