Sometimes, college girls who are not interested in dating women kiss other college girls. In my experience, it was because we were drunk and looking for attention from dudes. Two particular dudes, to be exact.

So at some point during junior year, Claire and I decided that we hated men…after the Lumberjack (her ex) and Rockabilly (my ex) respectively broke our hearts. Who needs ’em, right? We swore off men and decided to become lesbians. Except since neither of us was actually attracted to women, and we still secretly wanted boyfriends, we became lesbian boyfriends (in the same way I had three or four non-sexual husbands in college — in name only).

Do not discount the “in name only” part. We had a serious bond that could withstand the test of time. And marriage. And babies. (Yes, Claire still considers me her “lesbian boyfriend” despite her fancy house and husband and children and three dogs).

Obviously, this was mostly a giant joke between college besties who drank a lot in the early aughts with recklace abandon. But on Katie’ 21st birthday (in which I was definitely still under age, but using Mama Missy’s state ID for access to bars), The Lumberjack and Rockabilly were both kinda hanging around — along with a slew of other handsome fellows.

Claire, Katie, Sheila, and I got shmammered that night. Katie kept shouting to the world in an adorable sing-song voice, “Who’s the birthday giiiiiiiiirl?! Katie’s the birthday girl!”

Near the end of the evening, Claire and I were explaining to our ex-boyfriends our new lesbian boyfriend relationship. They didn’t get it. “Wait, you don’t kiss? You should kiss.” And there in the back room of Gorman’s in front of a huge audience of drunks, Claire and I shared a ridiculously un-passionate kiss. When you’re into dudes, kissing a girl is like kissing your hand (if your hand were to kiss back). This is not to say that she wasn’t a good kisser — she was. Just, you know, there was nothing there. I would later learn that this is a feeling that happens when you kiss anyone you don’t have feelings for.

Of course Rockabilly and the Lumberjack were significantly more impressed, as were a large portion of the male audience. We weren’t mad about it.