When I was 17, I was privately and publicly shamed by an administrator in my school. A woman I respected and admired told me that I couldn’t dress like the other girls. I was discriminated against because of my appearance. Because I had a more voluptuous body, a body I was already ashamed of because it was bigger than most teen girls, a body that I’d kill to have back, a body that eventually fueled an eating disorder, but one that I didn’t understand apparently held power against horny teenage boys. (I’ll tell you a secret, though: it didn’t. My body was not what teenage boys were looking for. It was something adult men found attractive, though. And I suppose THAT’S why I was told that my outfit was unacceptable.)
What was I wearing you ask?
In the peak of the new Millennium, I could have been wearing a tiny crop top and tight flared jeans. Short shorts and a skimpy tank. A two-piece prom dress that left nothing to the imagination.
But I was stylish in my short overalls with thick straps and a fully covered abdomen. The problem was in the strapless tube top that covered my breasts and stomach. It gasp showed my shoulders. But not any more than one of the very popular camisoles of the time. Not any more revealing than anything any of my cheerleading peers, who were much thinner than me, were wearing on that warm May afternoon.
And I was called out. By a female administrator whose name I still remember with crystal clarity. Who tried to mark me as her equal in womanhood.
“Women like us have to be conscientious of how we dress. We can’t wear the same clothes as the other girls.”
She was nothing like me. Tall, thin, in her mid to late 40’s. She didn’t understand me. She didn’t know me. And she certainly wasn’t like me.
But she did have the power to make me wear an old hoodie from the bottom of my locker over my overalls the rest of the day. The rest of that hot, spring day in an un-air-conditioned high school.
And I did. Because I was terrified of getting in trouble (save all those tardy detentions). Because I believed in authority. Because, at 17, I was already ashamed enough of my body.
This is what rape culture looks like. Rape culture shames a woman or a young girl into thinking she can’t dress a certain way, because boys and men can’t control themselves.
Rape culture lets men like Brock Turner out of jail after 3 short months, even though he ruined a woman’s life. He violated her body, and because of his “bright” future, he got off easy.
Brock Turner is out of jail. Do you remember him? You should. And you should probably stay away from him. Because he can’t control himself around women. And instead of the government keeping him away from and protecting us, we must do our best to stay away from him. We’re told to dress less provocatively and not to drink alcohol, instead of men like Brock being told not to fucking rape.
Well, I’m sick of this bullshit. For 16 years, I’ve held that memory of the school administrator telling me that “women like us need to be careful what we wear” for far too long. And school dress codes that favor boys, limit girls and promote rape culture need to disappear.
Let’s teach the right way to behave and stop worrying how people dress.
16 Responses
*gasp* not your shoulders?! *clasps pearls*
It’s annoying that it’s up to us. Don’t tempt people, don’t make them think bad thoughts. Bish, how about don’t rape, don’t leer, don’t be an ass? Nobody is going to say “well, you own a house so it’s your fault it got broken into…” so why are our bodies, our humanity so different?
It’s not up to us. It’s not our responsibility, it’s theirs.
Nice post. These issues are important.
Thank you. Our society needs fixing. We’ve got to start somewhere.
Love this post.
Thanks!
YES SO VERY MUCH to change! GRRRR. I’m so sad and appalled you had to endure that.
And it’s still happening!
I don’t know how or when I got the idea that boys and man are responsible for their actions no matter what a girl or woman is wearing, or not wearing, even if nothing at all, and it takes more than a piece of cloth or the lck of it to be consent. I certainly didn’t learn it in school, or in church, or in movies, or on TV, or in the newspaper or magazines. I think it must have been in the dictionary, a definition of a word, a definition simple and clear.
Unfortunately, not all people understand that concept.
I can not tell you how much this post effected me. My daughter is currently 16 and a Junior in High School. She has (for the last several years) been ‘dressed down’ for her outfits. It really isn’t about her clothing. She is a 36E size 12 5’7″ beautiful young lady. It doesn’t matter that she is an A/B student…it is how tight or low her shirts are. I (every year) have already had to go in to talk to the administrators about their ‘double standards’ for the girls…using several names and photos of other students to ‘call them on this’. I was told (and have been before) that she needs to protect her reputation and dress appropriately. I make SURE that her clothing is not revealing and fits into school standards. But, because is has a BIG chest and great curvy figure they comment all the time on her clothing. Even some of her teachers dress more provocatively/revealing than she does!! So yes, I sooo understand!! THANK YOU for writing about it!! ~KM
I love that you continue to fight for her. And I’m guessing you’re teaching her to stand up for herself, as well. The double standards have got to go.
It’s bad enough that girls already have to follow a different set of rules when it comes to how they dress, but then we also add extra restrictions to girls who aren’t stick thin. Curvy? You have to dress a certain way. Big-chested? You have to dress a certain way. All-out fat? OMG! YOU HAVE TO DRESS A VERY PARTICULAR WAY AND NO OTHER WAY!
I am so sick of people giving two shits how other people dress. And it goes both ways. For example, I don’t care if Paris Hilton wears a handkerchief as a top. Good on her. And I don’t care if that Muslim woman wears a full-body swimsuit to the beach in France. Good on her.
Can we stop policing women’s bodies, please? All women deserve to be themselves. Period. And all men deserve to not be shits who can’t control themselves.
Ugh.
You riled me up, Chrissy. But it’s an important topic, so we’re cool 😉
As always, love your blog.
Yes! Yes! All the yes!!!
Oh my gosh! I had a similar experience in high school. We are ashamed enough of our bodies, but to have a trusted adult shame us too is criminal. Speaking of criminal, the Brock situation is just sad. That poor girl he violated doesn’t seem to be treated well by our system letting her attacker free.
It makes me so angry. All of it.
Brava, my friend…
Thank you dear one!