I think all the time. In fact, I think a lot of stupid shit, pretty regularly. Whether I’m thinking weird stuff in yoga class, considering lighting my hair on fire, or thinking about how I would fare in the pending apocalypse, I’ve got a lot on my mind pretty much all the time.

Random Thought Process

When I say something completely random, Brian often asks me where the hell it came from. So I repeat the entire thought process back to him and he’s all like, “Oh. That makes perfect sense…now.” Because it didn’t until I explained what I was thinking. The same thing goes for when I’m Googling random shit on the internet of my fancy phone. This explains why I Google things like: skunk predators, rhythm method, and salmon burgers. (All this week).

But I also have recurring thoughts

We all know I’ve got a little hypochondriac in me. I’ve often thought and probably said a time or two…If I think that I’m a hypochondriac, does that mean that I am?

Along the same lines, I start to wonder about x,y, or z on my body, and think, what if it’s cancer? What if I have MS? What if I have that shaking disease that Michael J Fox has (At this point, I would Google “Michael J Fox disease” and come up with Parkinson’s)? I go through lists of symptoms in my head and Google the results…According to Google, I am almost always on death’s door. But as Katie mentioned, I would kick Death’s ass in a Scrabble match…so maybe I’d be okay.

I used to have a lot of problems with driving. I was a bad driver. Now, I’m a much better driver. When I say that I’m a shitty driver, Brian says, “No, you’re not. You’re a really good, cautious driver. You may have been a bad driver in the past, but not since I’ve known you.” One of the reasons that I am likely such a better driver has to do with the thought process I have whilst driving. I will often envision the potential accidents, problems, etc that could happen, and how I would react to them. I think about hitting the car in front of me, getting rear-ended, or even getting attacked by an evil deer (More on that later).

Actually, long before I was an adequate driver, I used to think about the excuses that I could come up with when I was driving fast. I’m so sorry officer, my boyfriend just broke up with me. My best friend just moved to insert another state here. My mom is sick. My grandfather just passed away. I just lost my job… I would think about the excuses so that I was ready for anything. Except when I wasn’t. And that’s when I got pulled over. The officer doesn’t want to hear, “I’m on my way to traffic safety school and it’s my mom’s birthday,” or “I was just running to the liquor store,” or “Sorry, officer, I’m drunk and going from one bar to another.”

There was one time, in which I got pulled over for making an illegal right turn on a red light…The officer asked if I knew why he pulled me over. I told him, “No, officer I don’t.” He said that I made an illegal turn on red. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” He looked at my license and asked, “So how long have you lived in Glen Ellyn?” I was 5 blocks from my parents’ house… “Pretty much my whole life…” So he asked, “And you didn’t know there was no turn on red there?” My response was priceless. I was going for ignorant and ditzy…”I’m not very observant…” The officer took it as snarky and insolent. Whoops. Ticket.

I often start thinking something ridiculous, weird, dirty, or judgy. And then I’ll think to myself, self, what if someone here can hear your thoughts? Just because you can’t read minds doesn’t mean it’s not possible. What if they can hear every thought in your brain. They know you just checked out that guy’s package. They know you just make a really mean comment about that girl’s outfit. They hear you thinking about how you really want to pick your nose. They know. They know and hear and see all. You can’t hide from this shit. They’re judging you now.

What strange thoughts do you think?