I’m not going to lie. Yesterday, I started getting a little weepy. What if the world DOES end tomorrow?* Brian’s not going to be home. If the world is going to end, I want to spend my last night with him. So I went over to his mom’s to hang out.

But I started thinking about the possibilities for the end of the world and my chances of survival. Here goes:

*Update: 04/27/2019 the world did not end “tomorrow” AKA 12/22/2012 But for some reason or another, it was supposed to. I’m too lazy to Google. Maybe the Mayan calendar?

A Great Flood

Survival odds: 7/10

As I am a lover of all things water — and think that I was a fish/dolphin in another life (though I don’t think that I would start growing fins) — I think I would do well in a floody apocalypse. Of course, this would largely depend on the availability of Meclizine. For those of you who don’t know, I suffer from acute vertigo* (which is a doctor’s fancy way of saying, “We have no idea why you get dizzy for weeks/months on end…here have some drugs.”) It’s fine on most days that don’t include heavy motion of non-joy. Rollercoasters=fine. Motion simulators=bad. Boats=50/50.

*Update: 04/27/2019 – I now believe this acute vertigo to be an undiagnosed BPPV, which The Google has helped Brian figure out how to fix me. Results may vary.

Nuclear Warfare

Survival odds: 0/10

I live 30 minutes west of Chicago. If a nuclear war goes global, I’m out, yo. Or I’ll have five arms, seven eyes, and three boobs. You know, either way, I don’t consider that survival. That’s mutation.

Infectious Disease Epidemic

Survival odds: 5/10

I like to think that my immunity to a lot of normal illnesses would keep me safe, but it is really a tough call. I’ll give it my best shot and hope that I’m standing in Colorado with Gary Sinise Brian — and that I don’t have to go out West to fight the really bad guys (see: odd of survival with nuclear warfare.) BTW, Have I mentioned that I have a secret crush on Gary Sinise?

Alien Apocalypse

Survival odds: 3/10

This depends greatly on whether or not the aliens in question are more locked tight in machines or evil intelligent beings. And whether or not I’ve got the help of any of the following eye candy: Noah Wyle, Will Smith, Bill Pullman (Quiet, you! I like the goofy actors! And seriously…Have you not seen While You Were Sleeping?)

Crazy Winter Storm with Wolves

Survival odds: 4/10

Well, I live in Chicago, where the weather changes drastically every 30 minutes, so I’m not concerned with a little cold weather or snow (not that I’m a fan or anything). I’ve hung out at a Bears games with -10 temps and survived. But ice and I…we go way back… Remember my skiing incidents? So, we’ll see. I’m definitely not hoping for this one.

Meteors Becoming Crashed Into Us

Survival odds: 5/10

I suppose that if there’s no super sweet drilling machine to save us all, this one could be catastrophic…maybe. If the meteor does crash in, like, the ocean causing a huge tidal wave, I’d try to be on some serious high ground with Elijah Wood. Though we’ve already mentioned that I may be okay in the event of a great flood, if the meteor crashes right into my space, I’m out. So 50/50.

Electricity-Free Apocalypse

Survival odds: 9/10

If the worst thing to happen to the world were for the power to go out…I think I’d be alright. Sure I’d miss blogging, but I would still write. Ever heard of a book? I’d miss my people around the world, but I would be okay. I mean…I’d leave Chicago for someplace warm, so as not to worry about winter without heat, but I think I’d do alright. Maybe I’d become a great leader (and not be a douche who kills my best friend’s brother)…Considering my digital footprint that started sometime around college would disappear…I think it’s a good plan.

Zombie Apocalypse

Survival odds: 4/10

If we still lived in the old house, maybe my chances would be greater. There were a lot more weapons there than there are here. I do have enough food to last two of us several weeks, though. (Bonus!) And an escape route (Yep a front and back door to our apartment*). And we’re on the second floor, so it would be harder for zombies to come get me. But once it was time to get on the move and team up with other humans…that would not be cool. Other humans are stupid. They have cage matches with zombies. They go on mall shopping sprees because there are not people around. They get themselves trapped in malls. They forget to use protection and get pregnant mid-zombie apocalypse.

*Update: 04/27/2019 We’re even better prepared for escape with six feasible escape routes out of our house, including one that utilizes this sweet rope ladder.

Mad props if you can name all of the movie/TV references that I’ve subtly and not so subtly entered into this post. There are a lot of references in here folks.

How would you fare in an apocalypse?